Depending on the source you read, you may find that the Dragonfly has a lifespan of only one day (this is really only true in the Mayfly, a relative). This means that in that one day, the Dragonfly (I choose the dragonfly for aesthetic purposes...) will live its life to the fullest extent possible for that one day. The Japanese see the dragonfly as a symbol of courage, strength, and happiness. I believe that Savannah Grace showed all of these qualities, and evoked all of the same, in the little time she spent with us on this Earth...
Savannah's service was less than a week before classes started up again. I have been going through the motions in school, something that I have been waiting my entire life to study and pursue, and I can give little else. I tried to determine what would be the best time to return and in the end decided for immediately because the alternative would be staring at walls for the next three months. I know that I've blown my 4.0, but I honestly don't care at the moment. There are more important things at stake, like my own personal sanity... I think it is more important to attempt to get back out there, make my self available to the world around me.
Each day I (to steal from Sleepless in Seattle) get out of bed every morning, breathe in and out... then after awhile I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed and breathe in and out..." Some days I look at her pictures and find myself looking at her urn over and over. Some nights I can't sleep because I spend my time remembering the night I was in labor, and the morning she arrived and left... Those are days (nights. rather) that I find that I cannot MAKE myself fall asleep no matter how hard I try...
There are times that I have difficulty thinking of myself as a mother because she wasn't here long enough to make me a "mother", and that I did something wrong and caused her death even though any discussion with the medical personnel dissuades that. Apparently, even though I was in the doctor's office a couple of days before her birth, but nothing was able to be found. That's the case in situations of an incompetent uterus, where the uterus isn't strong enough to hold the baby in when she (or he) reaches a certain weight. It wouldn't have mattered in this case, just something that can be combatted in the future... as if that's supposed to be a comfort....
There were very special things done for me this evening to let me know that I will always be thought of as a mother. I reacted in a way that is far less than what is due to those who made the gestures. I was surprised by the gifts and therefore didn't know how to react. I was overwhelmed. It hurts my heart to know that I showed less than the love and affection that was due and I hope that those involved will be able to forgive me. The night before that had been wonderful. My family and I had been at an adaptation of "Chicago" at a local theatre and the laughter I felt was irreplaceable...
Dulcie I knew this holiday would be especially hard for you. You have nothing to feel bad about honey. We just wanted you to know that we wil always think of you as a mother and that we love you!
ReplyDeleteYou don't stop being a mother, in any sense of the word, with your child's passing. You have been Savannah's mother since the moment you loved her. There can be no diminished meaning in that.
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